Just Once
by Ayasaki
Summary: hello people!!! I think im done with this one.. R&R pls...
1. Default Chapter

Just Once  
  
~PART 1~  
  
By: Ayasaki  
  
-It was four o'clock in the morning, which was rather early for someone to be pounding on the door, thought an irate Touya. Even as the thought was crossing his mind, he was out of the bed, yanking on a pair of pajama bottoms. He stumbled across the dark room, cursing, and then was suddenly blinded when Yukito turned on the light. "Ow! Don't do that!" he said irritably. "Oh! Gomen! I thought it would help," said Yukito. He could see almost perfectly in the dark, and he was never bothered by the sudden changes from darkness to light as most people were. "Are you all right?" "Yeah." The pounding came again, loud and insistent. "Who is it? What's wrong?" Alarm spread across Yukito's face. "That," said Touya grimly, "is what I am going to go find out!" He made his way to the front door and slid it open suddenly, ready to yell at whomever was disturbing his sleep. But when he saw who stood there, and the tears streaming down her cheeks, his anger melted like snow under a hot sun. "Sakura?" "Oniichan!" she cried, and flung herself into his arms, sobbing.  
  
The party was almost over, only one more guest to go. Sakura stood in the doorway, her hands clasped warmly by her dear friend, Chiharu. "I can't believe this, Sakura-chan - I am so very happy for you!" Chiharu's eyes glistened with emotion.  
  
Sakura shifted slightly, but smiled back. After all her friend's help and advice and support, it was only right that she be so emotional. Chiharu squeezed Sakura's hands, then released them, her eyes twinkling.  
  
"I can see you're exhausted. Today's been crazy, and tomorrow will be even worse! And the day after..." Chiharu practically bounced with excitement. "I just can't believe it! Sakura getting married to Li! Who would have guessed it, all those years ago, eh, Tomoyo-chan?" She smiled over Sakura's shoulder at their friend who, though happy, looked tired and not entirely present.  
  
This was not surprising, as Tomoyo had outdone herself, designing not only the wedding dress and tuxedo for the bride and groom, but also arranging the entire reception, from flowers to food. And this wonderful party too, Chiharu thought, as Tomoyo's face lit up with a smile a moment later.  
  
After their farewells, Chiharu turned to go, but hesitatingly turned back with a shy smile. "Sakura-chan, before I go, I almost forgot. Yamazaki wanted you to have this." She vowed formally, handing over a thick, sturdily bound book. Sakura took it in both hands and turned it over, smiling as she saw the title, "The Origins of Common Things."  
  
"His book was finally published? Please tell him that I'm thrilled for him," Sakura smiled at her friend and the smile slipped into a grin, "And be sure to ask him when it's going to be my turn to give him a gift." Chiharu stared at Sakura a moment then, her face flaming, she vowed again and laughed. "I'll be sure to ask him!" Chiharu called as she turned and ran down the walk towards the street.  
  
Still chuckling, Sakura closed the front door with an audible sigh of relief and exhaustion. She took Tomoyo's hand, silently they left the front hall and entered Tomoyo's sitting room. Together they collapsed onto a couch, both moaning in satisfaction and laughing at themselves. Putting her tired feet up on the table, Sakura leaned back and stretched. "Gods, Tomoyo-chan, I don't know where you find the energy! I haven't done a thing for this wedding and I feel all wrung out."  
  
Tomoyo smiled at her best friend. "I have the energy because I know it will make your day special, Sakura-chan." Sakura turned her head, watching Tomoyo pouring tea into cups, preparing it just the way Sakura liked. "Yes, but." Tomoyo shook her head interrupting Sakura, as she handed over a cup. "No "buts," Sakura. If it would make you happy - I'm glad to do it."  
  
Sakura gave her a broad grin. "You've always been the best friend a girl could wish for, Tomoyo-chan. Thank you for everything." She sipped from her cup, gave another moan, this one of sheer pleasure and rolled her eyes, causing Tomoyo to giggle slightly at the exaggerated motion. Sakura sat up straighter a moment later and fixed her friend with a serious stare.  
  
"It just occurred to me - you've been doing all this for me, but I haven't even thought about what I can get you!" "What do you mean?" Tomoyo's voice was muffled slightly by the cup of tea. "Well, isn't it traditional for the bride to get the Maid of Honor a gift? What can I get for you, Tomoyo- chan?" Sakura slipped back into their youthful form of address, "To thank you for all you've done?"  
  
Tomoyo looked thoughtful for a minute, then shook her head and smiled her quiet smile. "There's nothing I need and," she held up a hand to forestall Sakura's interruption, "Nothing that would make me happier than your happiness." She gestured around herself, implying not only the room, as well as the whole house. "I don't need anything Sakura-chan.just.just tell me that you're happy with Li-kun."  
  
Sakura turned a little in her seat, put the cup down and took Tomoyo's hands in her own. "I am. He makes me very happy." She smiled at her friend, and was rewarded with a sweet smile in return. "Then, that's all I've ever wanted." Tomoyo wondered whether the catch in her voice was as obvious to Sakura as it was to her. But her friend said nothing, instead leaning back once more into the cushions and closing her eyes.  
  
A few minutes passed in silence. Tomoyo watched Sakura as she lay there, until a huge yawn forced Sakura to blink and stretch once again. Tomoyo looked away quickly, hoping the hunger on her face wasn't visible - it shouldn't be, she'd had so many years of practice at hiding it. But you never knew.  
  
Sakura was speaking again. "You have to promise me - if you ever decide on something that I can get you, to thank you for everything, you'll tell me, ok?" One eye cracked open as she finished. Tomoyo met Sakura's grin with one of her own. "I promise. Now, time for bed." Tomoyo said firmly, taking Sakura's hand and helping her rise. "It'll be a very busy day tomorrow," as she shoved her friend in the direction of the bedroom. "And I don't even want to think about the day after!" she spoke loudly over Sakura's protestations, and they laughingly left the room. 


	2. Just Once 2

Just Once (part 2 of 6)  
  
Things were a little confused for awhile, but, eventually, between the two of them, Touya and Yukito managed to get Sakura calmed down. Now she was sitting on the couch between them, drinking warm honey milk and drawing an occasional shuddering breath. Touya and Yukito (now in their bathrobes) exchanged a look above her head. Touya felt a warmth within him, felt a little knot of jealousy in a corner of his heart uncurl just a little. She'd come to him. Even though she was engaged, she still knew she could count on her older brother to take care of her. Touya lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Sakura...what happened? Did that- " He stopped and took a deep breath. "Did Syaoran hurt you?" Sakura shook her head violently. "No...no, it's not that, it's...it's..." The tears were threatening again, but she fought them back, clutching her glass so tightly that for a moment, Touya was afraid that it would break. "It's like this..." she began...  
  
The night was dark, the waning moon not yet shining through the window. Tomoyo turned her head and stared at the pale outline in the wall. The moon would break through the shadows in another half hour or so. So many sleepless nights in this room, the moon was a predictable timekeeper for her now.  
  
She closed her eyes and listened to the soft sound of Sakura's breathing, trying not to want what she could never have, trying desperately not to feel what she had always felt.trying not to let it eat her alive. Tomoyo's thoughts raged around, wildly crashing into each other, chasing peace and sleep from her mind.  
  
Just one or two things different, something said or not said and she might.. No, she thought, she would never have said or done anything differently. Not since the day she had made the decision. The moment she found her mother's diary, her fate had been irrevocably sealed and she would never have done anything to change it.  
  
Pain might be her lot now, but never would she have to experience that particular kind of pain. Tomoyo rolled over and stared down at Sakura's sleeping form. In the gradually lightening night, Tomoyo could see her friend's face, trace the eyes, the curve of the nose, the cheeks. As time passed, she could see the subtle motion Sakura's breathing, the flutter of her soft eyelashes.  
  
With no more thought than she might give to embracing her mother, Tomoyo found herself brushing her lips across Sakura's cheek, then her eye. As she felt Sakura stir, Tomoyo pulled back quickly, but it was too late, Sakura's eyes rolled, then opened. "Tomoyo-chan??" Her voice was rough with sleep and Tomoyo felt a thrill run through her at the sound. "What are you doing??"  
  
Tomoyo said nothing, not trusting her voice to not betray her. Sakura's hand brushed her own cheek and her eyes widened slightly as she rolled over to face her friend. "Did you just kiss me?" Tomoyo could feel the heat in her cheeks and for once, blessed the darkness.  
  
At last she regained some measure of control and managed a little laugh. "Do you remember?" she spoke light-heartedly, trying not to sound hysterical, "When you slept over here for the first time?" "Sure." Sakura said, rolling over a little more and sitting up. "Do you remember how we talked about boys and kissing.?" Sakura laughed remembering. "Yes, I do. I also remember getting in a little early practice with you." She paused and laughed again. "You really have been the best friend. You've done anything I wanted to, haven't you?"  
  
Tomoyo shrugged. "I've always wanted to do what you wanted to, so it was easy." She paused a moment before continuing. "Do you remember what we talked about a few years ago.after you became the Owner of the Cards?" Sakura cocked her head in thought. "You mean when I was wondering what it would be like to." she stopped talking as the flush crawled invisibly across her cheeks. "Yes, I remember that too. Why?"  
  
Tomoyo took a breath and hoped her voice wouldn't give her away. "We were talking about what it would be like to make love to a boy.and to another woman. We promised each other that if we ever wanted to do that, it would be with each other." "Yes." Sakura was clearly puzzled at Tomoyo's speech. "Did you mean it, when you said you'd give me anything I wanted - anything that would make me happy?" Tomoyo's voice gave out on the last word, but Sakura didn't seem to notice. "Would that make you happy, Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
Tomoyo could picture large green eyes staring at her candidly. She forced herself to smile, to put the smile into her words. "Tomorrow, you're getting married, you'll be a grown-up, a woman. And although I'll be your friend forever, I thought.I'd like to have something special that only you could give me, something that, just once, would be special between us."  
  
Tomoyo ran out breath and sat, panting, facing Sakura in the darkness of her room. Sakura reached out and covered Tomoyo's hand with her own. Slowly she leaned forward and placed her lips experimentally against the other woman's. Tomoyo froze, not breathing, not moving, terrified of shattering the moment.  
  
Sakura moved away, breaking off the sweetest kiss that Tomoyo ever known. "That...this is...what you really want, Tomoyo-chan?" Tomoyo didn't trust herself to speak. But at that moment the first ray of moonlight crept in through the window and softly illuminated her face, reflecting clearly her pleading expression of quiet hunger.  
  
Sakura had never been able to resist her when she looked like that. Always, she had given in, no matter how outrageous a costume or how difficult the request. And, never having said, "No," to Tomoyo before, she found that she was incapable of doing so now. Even if she wanted to. *Did* she want to?  
  
Tomoyo moved close to her again, her face falling back into shadow as she leaned forward, but her eyes still catching and holding vestiges of reflected moonlight. Sakura, not quite realizing what she was doing, reached out and touched one of the dark, silky strands than hung down next Tomoyo's cheek. A wave of warmth and sweetness washed through her as she gazed into the other girl's softly pleading eyes.  
  
Tomoyo had always been a strong person in her life, exuberant, even overwhelming at times. So why did she seem so fragile now? She'd always protected Tomoyo, she realized suddenly. Even when others had been in danger, it had been Tomoyo her thoughts flown to first. Was it just because Tomoyo didn't have any magic of her own? Was that all it was?  
  
She ran her fingers through the dark hair and it curled around them gently. Clutching at them softly, so softly, as though desperate to be close to her but at the same time afraid of holding her too tightly. She heard herself whispering breathlessly in response. "If it will make you happy, then yes, of course, Tomoyo-chan."  
  
Tomoyo leaned in even closer to her face. "Just think of it," she said softly, "as 'girlish experimentation." She was smiling, and her whisper teased Sakura's skin. Then her lips touched Sakura's, and the warmth surged through her again, stronger this time...part heat, part a wild sweetness. Her arms came up of their own accord, enfolding Tomoyo and pulling her closer...  
  
Tomoyo's mind reeled, unable to fully grasp that this was really happening. Desire and passion and sensation rushed over her senses, making her heart race, shortening her breath to shallow gasps of air. She wanted so much to feel every part of Sakura, to bring her every pleasure, every joy...everything. So intense was her need that she felt paralyzed, unable to do anything but respond as she and Sakura kissed gently.  
  
Her eyes fluttered open for a moment, and fell on the clock next to her bed, its digits illuminated like malevolent red eyes in the darkness. It was nearly midnight. In a sudden moment of blind panic, Tomoyo realized that this was her only chance; the only time that Sakura would be entirely hers.  
  
Her breathing became even faster, then slowed as she forced herself to calm down. They had time. She had time. She would not think about the future, about the inevitable cold, grey light of dawn and waking up in an empty bed the day after tomorrow...and every day after that.  
  
Tonight, just this once, she would have her heart's desire. Tonight Sakura was hers.  
  
It was like drowning in softness. Soft hair brushing against her cheek, soft hands on her body, lips soft as rose petals brushing against her breasts. So different...impossible not to compare... She loved Syaoran, loved his hard, smooth body, loved their lovemaking that was often almost frenzied. With his hardness around her, within her, she felt...complete.  
  
Safe. This was nothing like that. This was waves of warmth and softness rising to envelope her. This was a tongue finding her nipple and touching, tasting, a little teasing. Heat and desire building gradually rather than shooting through her, melting her instead of igniting her. Hands that were never still tracing over her body as though she was being memorized by a blind woman. She was being created, lovingly sculpted, her own body made real, made alive, with each gentle touch. Awakened. And with every heartbeat, every breath, her head echoed with the refrain:  
  
So soft...so soft...so soft. Soft fingers within her, soft mouth upon her... she was here, here, here with her. Tomoyo would always be with her, always be by her side, and Sakura felt warmth and comfort and quiet, intense joy flood through her at that thought, though it was impossible to know why. 


	3. Just Once 3

Just Once (part 3 of 6)  
  
"So you...and she..." Touya was actually blushing. "Well, it's not like I was a virgin," she said a little sulkily, and then, instantly realizing her mistake, she clapped a hand over her mouth. "What?" His face turned even redder, this time with anger. "Touya," said Yukito sharply. Touya was brought to an abrupt halt by the tone in his voice. Yukito picked up the glass Sakura had been drinking from and held it out to him. "I think you should bring Sakura some more warm milk. But, To-ya," he gave his beloved a significant look, "Make sure that the milk has cooled down enough before you bring it in. I know you wouldn't want to hurt Sakura, especially right now. Right?" Touya took the glass silently, and Yukito gave him a small nod and an almost imperceptible smile. When he was gone, Yukito sat down next to Sakura, who was staring obliviously ahead of her and had clearly missed their little interchange entirely. He put an arm around her. "And then what happened?" he asked, his voice as gentle now as it had been sharp a moment ago. Sakura awoke, blinking sleepily. Someone had said her name... "Aright, Kero-chan...just a few more minutes..." she mumbled.  
  
"Sakura-chan."  
  
Through her foggy, sleep-filled brain the whisper came again. Gradually Sakura became aware of a warm body pressed against hers (much too large to be Kero-chan), an unfamiliar room...  
  
Her eyes snapped open as she suddenly remembered where she was...and who she was with. And what they had done. She blushed a little, but smiled, remembering. Gradually the smile faded and a slight frown creased her brow as she considered what had happened...and, more importantly, how it had happened. "Girlish experimentation?" she whispered to the dark stillness. That was what it had been. Just trying something with a best friend, safe...Tomoyo had just wanted to...practice, she was sure.  
  
An image of Tomoyo's pleading face floated in front of her mind's eye for a moment. It didn't fit... For a moment, the carefully constructed tower of logic and explanations trembled, threatened to collapse. No. No, surely not. Surely Tomoyo-chan had someone special that she loved, that she had been thinking of, but that she was too shy to confess to...to even tell her best friend about... Sakura shook her head. This was getting her nowhere. It had only been an experiment, she told herself firmly.  
  
No more than that.  
  
She almost believed it, brushing the objections and the little pieces that didn't fit aside. It made sense. It did.  
  
Tomoyo sighed in her sleep, and Sakura turned to look at her. The moonlight reflected off of her gentle features, tracing the curves of her face, the face that Sakura felt she knew by heart. But her eyelashes and hair were lightly silvered, giving her an odd, beautiful look, as though she was someone Sakura didn't even know...alien.  
  
Tomoyo sighed again, and a small sound escaped her lips. Sakura started a little when she saw a tear trickle from one closed eye, slipping across her face and into the pillow beneath her head. Tomoyo was crying in her sleep. Was she having a nightmare?  
  
Sakura reached out to comfort her friend, to bring her back to the land of the waking and away from whatever demons haunted her nights. But then Tomoyo-chan spoke, a whispering sigh, and Sakura's hand stilled.  
  
"Sakura-chan..."  
  
She was dreaming about her? What was she dreaming? Well, considering what had happened that night, perhaps it was natural, but...why was she crying?  
  
"Sakura-chan...Koi shiteru, Sakura-chan..."  
  
Now Sakura's whole body stilled. Nobody had ever said that to her. Not even Syaoran. He'd said he loved her, of course, but this...this was different. Syaoran was a boy, and easily embarrassed, he wasn't likely to say "koi shiteru."  
  
Sakura's carefully cultivated image of their friendship shattered into a million pieces. It was like staring at something for a long time, thinking that you understood what you were looking at...and then suddenly realizing one day that you'd been looking at it upside down the whole time. A thousand tiny parts fell into place, creating a cohesive whole. There were no more little niggling questions, no more loose ends, nothing which didn't fit into the pattern anymore.  
  
Koi shiteru...  
  
Sakura lay silently, staring at her friend for a long time. Then, very, very quietly, she slipped out from under the sheet. She grabbed her clothing and threw it on in the darkness, not caring if it was inside out. And she crept out the door, out of the house, and fled into the night...  
  
When Tomoyo awoke, the cold, grey light of dawn was already trickling into the room. She blinked, half-awake, smiling a little as she remembered the dream she'd had the night before. Gradually she slipped into full consciousness, but the dream didn't fade, instead, it only seemed to become clearer.  
  
Suddenly Tomoyo sat straight up. The covers were in disarray, Sakura's scent hung faintly in the air. She looked around the room, unable to quite believe the truth...until her eyes fell on one of Sakura's socks, crumpled and forgotten, lying on the floor.  
  
Left behind...  
  
Alone.  
  
"Not a dream," she whispered. "It wasn't a dream." She shuddered, as a sudden iciness slithered through her veins. "She left. She left." Tomoyo wrapped her arms around herself, hugging herself against the sudden chill. A single word, a single question played over and over again in her head.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Where had she miscalculated? She knew Sakura, knew her better than Sakura knew herself! Last night...Tomoyo went over every detail in her mind, unable to fathom what could possibly have caused Sakura to flee so abruptly. She went over every possible reaction she could envision.  
  
Tomoyo could see her being upset, even feeling guilty, but she would never have run away from that, she would have woken Tomoyo...or waited until she had awoken...and talked to her about it. And Tomoyo would have been soothing and convincing and Sakura would have gone away comfortable and happy and secure...and ready to marry Li-kun the following day.  
  
Li-kun...was it possible that...? With a shaking hand, Tomoyo picked up the telephone off her bedside table and dialed a familiar number.  
  
"Hello?" said a sleepy voice after the third ring.  
  
Tomoyo had to swallow twice before she could speak. "Hello, Li-kun," she said, striving to sound normal.  
  
"Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
"Yes. Li-kun..." she paused, but there was no subtle way to ask this. "Is...is Sakura over there?"  
  
"Over here?" Suddenly he sounded far more awake. "No! I thought she was over there! Wasn't she supposed to stay over after her bridal shower last night?" Tomoyo closed her eyes, suddenly numb.  
  
"She was...she did. It's just...she left kind of early, and I was just a little worried..."  
  
"She left early? And without telling you? That doesn't sound like Sakura at all!"  
  
Now Li-kun sounded truly alarmed, and Tomoyo felt a sharp pang of guilt drive through her. She tried to think of something convincing to say that would soothe his worry; but her brain refused to work properly and nothing came.  
  
"I know. I'm sure she's all right...she probably just forgot something..."  
  
The excuse sounded lame in her ears, and she could almost feel Li-kun shaking his head on the other end of the line.  
  
"No, she would have woken you up and told you, or at least left you a note..."  
  
A note! That was it! She would tell him that he was right, that Sakura had left her a note but that it had fallen on the floor and she'd missed it! He would understand, it was early, and things had been so crazy...she opened her mouth to tell him...  
  
...and couldn't. She found she couldn't lie to him, no matter how much she wanted to.  
  
Before she could say anything else, he spoke again.  
  
"Have you tried her father's house? Or...her brother's place?"  
  
"No...no," she responded automatically. "You were the first person I tried."  
  
"All right. I'll call her father's house if you'll call Touya, deal?"  
  
In spite of everything, Tomoyo almost smiled. She understood *exactly* why Li-kun didn't want to be the one to call Touya's house.  
  
"All right," she said.  
  
"You'll call me back and let me know if she's there, right Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
She hung up the phone with a sigh and a frown. Now she was bringing more people into this, when that was the last thing she wanted to do. She'd been so sure that Sakura had gone to Li-kun's...where else could she have possibly gone? And...her mind flew back to the same question that had been bothering her since she had awoken to an empty room...an empty bed...  
  
Why had Sakura fled? With a sharp shake of her head, she picked up the phone again. 


	4. Just Once 4

Just Once  
  
-Part 4-  
"And then...I came here. I'm sorry, oniichan, I just couldn't think of where else to go, what to do..." Touya 'shushed' her quietly and drew her into his familiar, protective embrace. "It's all right Sakura. I'm glad you came to me. You can always come to me." He broke away and looked down at her, meeting her eyes. "No matter what." She buried her face in his shoulder. "Thank you, oniichan," she said softly, and Touya felt his insides twist at how small and broken her voice sounded. Yukito, sitting on the other side of her, laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, silently offering his comfort and support. Touya looked up and their eyes met over her head. The silent question in Touya's face was clear: 'What can I do for her?' and the answer was equally, painfully clear, 'Nothing...nothing more than what we are doing.' The dark-haired man's expression was a study in helpless frustration while Yukito's mirrored only pained resignation. The phone rang, shattering the silence and making all three of them jump. After the first ring, Yukito said quietly, "I'll get it." Sakura was very still as Yukito picked up the phone. "Hello?...Oh, hello, Tomoyo-chan." Sakura stiffened. "No, no, that's all right...Oh? Yes...yes, she's here. Well...let me ask, hold on please..." He held his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and said quietly, "She wants to know if it's all right to come over." Touya could feel Sakura's body shaking violently. "No!" she cried out. "I can't! I...I *can't*!" Touya hadn't seen her so panicked in years, not since she'd been a child and he'd told her about the ghosts he could see. "Sakura!" he said compellingly, "You don't have to do anything that you don't want to!" Yukito lifted the phone to his ear again. "I don't think..." he began softly. Touya waited until she was a little calmer and then, hating himself, he said, "But don't you think you should see her and get this worked out?" "No!" Sakura exploded. "Don't you understand, oniichan? She said she *loved* me!" "Sakura, she was *asleep*! She didn't know what she was saying!" Touya almost shouted, desperate to break through Sakura's near-hysteria. "She was *crying*!" "Um...I don't think," Yukito began again, then paused. "Tomoyo-chan?" But Tomoyo-chan had already hung up. Yukito gently replaced the receiver in it's cradle and turned to the two people on the couch. "Sakura," he said, interrupting them. They turned towards him. "I'm sorry, Sakura, but I think she heard you." Slowly, carefully, Tomoyo replaced the receiver, even as she heard Yukito's voice saying, "Tomoyo-chan?" on the other end of the line. After a moment, she mechanically picked up the receiver and dialed another number.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Li-kun?"  
  
"Tomoyo-chan! She wasn't at her father's..."  
  
"I know. She's at her brother's house."  
  
"She is? Is she all right? Why did she leave so abruptly?" Tomoyo felt a hundred years old. "Li-kun...it's a long story. She's ok..."  
  
Or she will be...I hope...  
  
"I'm sorry, I don't have time to explain it all right now,"  
  
Oh, forgive me, Li Syaoran...  
  
"Did something happen, Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
"No...Yes...But..."  
  
she swallowed, willing herself to believe it.  
  
"But everything will be all right."  
  
There was silence from the other end, and she could feel Li-kun's worry and curiosity reaching across the phone lines to her. But then he said,  
  
"Very well. Call me when you can tell me what's going on, won't you, Tomoyo- chan?"  
  
Tomoyo squeezed her eyes shut. "I'll try, Li-kun."  
  
Dear Li-kun. What a disservice I have done you. What a wrong I have done both of you.  
  
She hung up the phone again, and finally allowed herself to think about the words that were still ringing through her head:  
  
"She said she *loved* me!"  
  
Li Syaoran lay back and stared at the ceiling. He was worried...she'd tried to hide it but he'd never heard Tomoyo-chan sound so upset. He trusted her...she'd said that everything would be all right...but he was still worried.  
  
With a sigh, he got up and reached for his sword; the repetitive exercises always helped clear his mind. An ironic smile quirked his lips for a moment...he'd figured on being nervous the day before his wedding, but somehow, this wasn't quite what he'd expected. He worked at the katas for a long time, but when he'd finished, his mind was in as much turmoil as it had been before. With a frown he made his decision.  
  
He'd take a shower, get dressed...and then he would go and see Sakura.  
  
Tomoyo looked around her room and knew with a precise and cold clarity that she had ruined the very friendship she had sought to preserve. A pain shot through her - a physical pang, as if she had been hit by a piano wire cut loose from its moorings.  
  
So, this is what a heart breaking feels like, she thought, and stood up to bathe and dress. There was nothing after that, no pain, no recrimination, no desire. nothing at all. Like the world outside, she was filled with a cold, dull light. There was enough warmth to keep her alive, but not enough for her to live.  
  
Tomoyo pulled on a dress, and began to pack a small bag. A few changes of clothes, toiletries, she wouldn't need much. At last she sat down as if exhausted, and began to reflexively comb her long hair, watching herself blankly in the mirror.  
  
The motions were soothing, she let her mind wander - into the distant past, her early childhood, when her mother would brush her hair, and talk about the cousin she had loved. Her mother used to always talk about Nadeshiko when she brushed Tomoyo's hair, telling her how like her Tomoyo was. Tomoyo had come to love this gracious beauty as an aunt long before she met Sakura and had come to love her too..  
  
No. She would not think about that.  
  
Nadeshiko. The beautiful, sweet girl of 16, who had left her family to marry a man 9 years her elder. Sonomi had never forgiven her, or so Tomoyo had thought for many years.  
  
Tomoyo politely thanked the bodyguard who stood at the car for waiting. The woman smiled and bowed slightly but said nothing. Sliding onto the car seat, Tomoyo barely noticed the door closing, the bodyguard walking around the car, getting behind the wheel and starting the car's engine. Her mind was miles away or, more accurately, years away...  
  
That day she had been reading in her mother's library and had pulled a book from the shelf. A thin notebook had slipped from its perch next to the book she held, and fell onto the floor. Tomoyo had picked it up meaning to replace it, when she saw that it was written in her mother's hand. A diary?  
  
She couldn't help herself, she began to read the entry: He's gone. I'm not surprised. I'm not even sad. I'll miss him I suppose, but we really never suited each other. I was no replacement for the love of his life - too angry, too strong - and he - he could never come close to the one I loved. Tomoyo looked out the window at the sun dappling the garden. So, her father had left them. She had always supposed that to be the case, but her mother had never said. Tomoyo flipped the pages forward and read an entry at random: .don't even know how to express my joy! I told Grandfather and thought he might begin to cry! I hope Taro gets the news, he should know that he'll be a father. And then, in the next entry: How do I say this? How do I even begin to express my fears and hopes, and happiness, and sadness? Taro is dead. I can't say I loved him, but he was a good man and now he'll never even see his child. My Gods, what a sadness it is to be an unlovable woman, cursed, as I am. At least I will love this child, as I cannot be loved. Barely remembering to breathe now, Tomoyo flipped a few pages again and read. Guilt and curiosity warred within her, but curiosity was the stronger: What a beautiful child! My Gods, look at her! She is beauty itself. When she smiles all my sadness falls from me and I know, I know in my heart that the world is a magnificent place. Taro, Nadeshiko, Grandmother, Mother and Father, look at this beautiful child and rejoice with me! Tomoyo stared at the page below her, watching as a single teardrop hit the paper, clinging precariously to the page. Quickly, she took her handkerchief and wiped it away, then dabbed at her eyes. She was so full of emotion she wasn't sure how to feel. Her father - Taro, had died. Her mother hadn't lied, but what a thing it must have been, to marry a man you didn't love, then have him leave you, alone and pregnant. A small bird flew by the window and Tomoyo stared at it for a moment, listening to it call to its mate in a cheerful refrain...  
  
Traffic was slow, the car moved forward steadily. Forward into what future? she wondered. The bodyguards knew her moods well; they did not attempt to engage her in conversation, seeing that she wanted to be silent. Tomoyo was thankful to them for that. And thankful too, that they would be around to care for her mother after she had left. And where are you going to go? Her inner voice asked softly. Away, she answered it. Away from here. Away from her.  
  
Tomoyo stared out the window, her mind once again slipping back into the past. She began to close the book, to replace it, when on impulse she turned to the beginning and read once more. The first few pages were commonplace teenage entries, then this: I told her today. I told her I love her. Gods what a fool I am. She smiled at me, that sweet smile that makes my heart turn over in my chest and said that she loves me too. But I knew that she didn't mean it the way I did. How can I let her know? Tomoyo's heart began to chill. How well she knew that feeling! She read the next few pages, filled with similar misgivings, then: It was an amazing day. No, it was a miraculous day. After school today Nadeshiko and I were walking home, as always, and it began to rain. We ran to take shelter in a small hut - that old outbuilding from the shrine that isn't there anymore - and we were laughing at how wet we were, you know how it is. But the rain didn't stop and Nadeshiko got so cold she began to shiver, so I held her, trying to warm her up. She's so pale and beautiful, how often I've thought of her as a spirit, only upon this earth for a short while, then gone like a spring day. So I warmed her up and she laid her head on my chest, as we waited for the rain to lessen. I could hear my heart beating, I was so happy. I laid my head against hers, breathed in her scent and thought that if I died right then I would die happy. I don't know how long we sat like that, but I prayed the rain would never stop. Then it happened - the rain stopped, and the most beautiful rainbow was visible from where we sat. We stood up to see it better and Nadeshiko took my hand and jumped in place - she's always loved rainbows so much. And she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me. I was so happy I didn't move, just put my arms around her waist and looked at her. She turned to me smiling and leaned forward to kiss me.and I kissed her back. Then the kiss changed, it wasn't a "cousinly" kiss anymore. Her lips were sweet and warm and I felt like I was flying. When she pulled away she smiled at me and took my hands in hers. "I was thinking about what you said the other day, Sonomi-chan, and I do, I love you too." Her voice was so different I couldn't believe my ears! She did mean it this time - the same way I did. How blessed I am! Tomoyo looked up once again, taking a deep shuddering breath. How much she wanted to be that blessed, to have Sakura say those words to her. She stared once again at the garden, where the light now was fading, the birdsong changed, more muted, readying for the evening. One last time she turned pages and read: I would kill myself today but there would be no point. I am no one and nothing and it would make no difference. It would not save the family's honor - in fact, I need to live to do that. Grandfather told me that now that.she.is gone, I have to carry on the family business. I don't mind, it is better than dying. But, I feel so cold, so lifeless. For my future self I guess I should write down what happened, so I can never forget, but, it hurts so much I can barely write. I want to die.  
The page was hard to read, Tomoyo noticed, tears had blurred the words badly. She is gone -she left me for, for that man. Oh, this will never do, I need to write it out. Nadeshiko met Kinomoto-sensei (how I hate even writing his name!) a few weeks ago, when she fell on him. I wrote about that. It seemed so silly at the time, inconsequential. But she's been avoiding me recently and one day I spotted her talking to him at the edge of the woods. Yesterday I made up my mind to speak with her. I miss her, for one thing - we were supposed to spend time together this year. And I'll admit, I was jealous. I love her so much I don't want to share her with anyone.  
  
We were walking home from school, as always when she told me that she was going to marry him.  
  
I can't.I.  
More tears. I can do this. I have to. I asked her about our love and she smiled at me and said she'd always love me, but I could see that she didn't mean it, again, the way I do. She loves him. I can tell. and I want to kill him! How I hate the man who is taking my beloved away from me! How I hate her, how could she do this to me? Why can't I die right now? Tomoyo shut the book, put her face in her hands and sobbed quietly. Her poor mother, so passionate, so in love with her cousin. How bizarre that the same relationship should repeat itself, Sonomi's daughter in love with Nadeshiko's. The irony was cruel and Tomoyo wasn't sure she would ever understand why it had to be that way. Standing quickly, she returned the diary to its place, and put the book back on the shelf to hide it once again. She walked to the window, and put her hands upon the sill. The last rays of the sun cast a red-gold glow over the treetops and she sighed heavily. In the car, her head leaning on the window, Tomoyo echoed that sigh from her past. She made a decision that day, a promise to herself that she would never tell Sakura, never make Sakura choose between her and another person. And she had never had cause to regret that decision, until.. Why couldn't Sakura have loved her? Tomoyo started as the bodyguard called her name. "Ojou-sama," the woman repeated, "We're here." Tomoyo looked around and quailed at the site of Touya's house. But, smoothing her dress across her legs, she thanked the driver politely, and got out as the door was opened for her. Today she would apologize, and try to mend what she had so carelessly broken. Tomorrow she would see Sakura married to the man she loved, and tomorrow she would say goodbye. And the day after... The day after...she would leave. 


	5. Just Once 5

Just Once  
  
-Part 5-  
  
Touya opened the door on the first ring of the doorbell. As he met Tomoyo's eyes, his face was a study in mixed feelings; fury mingled with sympathy, anger giving way to pain, and bewilderment overshadowing all. "Tomoyo-ch-- san" he said awkwardly, "Er...please come in." "Thank you," said Tomoyo. Her musical voice sounded flat, the tone of a cracked bell. She slipped into the house like a shadow, like a ghost that had manifested itself but for a short time and was already beginning to fade away. Touya asked her if she would please sit and wait for a moment. He had never spoken to her so formally before, Tomoyo reflected detatchedly. It had always been a casual "Tomoyo-chan" for Sakura's little friend, but now...now he was treating her as though she was a stranger. Well, perhaps she was, now. A minute or two after Touya had left the room, Yukito entered quietly, carrying a tea tray. He smiled at her sweetly, as he always had, but behind his eyes Tomoyo could see a weariness, and an echo of the same pain that haunted Touya's expression. How many people would be hurt by this before it was over? How much pain would she have caused? "You should talk with her."  
  
"No."  
  
It was not a vehement denial, as the earlier protests had been, but a dull, stubborn refusal uttered flatly but firmly.  
  
"Sakura-" he said gently.  
  
"No."  
  
With a sigh, he seated himself on the bed next to her. She was sitting, leaning against the headboard with her knees pulled up to her chest. She stared unseeingly at the wall across from her, refusing to meet her brother's eyes.  
  
"Sakura," he said, more firmly this time,  
  
"Tell me: don't you love Syaoran-kun?"  
  
That got her attention, and she turned startled, angry eyes on him.  
  
"Of course I love him! You know I do!"  
  
"Then you must talk with Tomoyo."  
  
She drew back.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Her voice was raw.  
  
"Because you owe it to him to straighten this out."  
  
His voice was soft again as he continued,  
  
"Sakura-chan, you're getting married tomorrow. You need to be...sure."  
  
Panic flared in Sakura's eyes as they flew to meet his.  
  
"What...what do you mean?" she choked.  
  
Her brother chose to answer the question with a question.  
  
"Why are you so adamant about not talking to Tomoyo?"  
  
"I...I'm scared," she whispered.  
  
Touya's voice was more gentle than she'd ever heard it.  
  
"Why are you scared, Sakura-chan?"  
  
"I don't know," she said slowly.  
  
"I guess...I'm afraid that she'll say she loves me, and I can't...I can't..."  
  
Tears threatened to overwhelm her again.  
  
"I don't want to hurt her!" she sobbed.  
  
Touya looked at her penetratingly. Eventually he reached out and laid a hand on her head.  
  
"She's known for a long time that you don't feel the same way about her that she does about you. Has what happened between you last night changed everything so much? Do you hate her now?"  
  
Sakura looked shocked. "No!"  
  
Touya raised his eyebrows at the vehemence of her denial.  
  
"Then...how *do* you feel about Tomoyo, Sakura-chan?"  
  
Sakura paled and stared down at the bedsheet she was twisting between her fingers.  
  
"I...I..."  
  
She shook her head, she couldn't answer. Finally, she managed to murmur,  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Touya sat with her for a minute or two longer, studying her face, but not saying anything. Finally, he stood up.  
  
"Then you must meet with her and figure it out."  
  
Sakura's head jerked up, but the protest died on her lips as he continued firmly,  
  
"I'll send her in now." She stared after him for a moment, then turned away.  
  
He closed the door softly behind himself, then leaned against it for a moment, his head bowed and eyes closed. A soft sound made him look up, and Yukito was standing before him, a sad, tender expression in his eyes.  
  
Without a word Touya reached out and drew Yukito against him, burying his face in Yuki's soft hair and slipping his arms around his slender form. Yukito responded by pressing even closer to him, and for a moment the two simply stood, holding each other.  
  
Sakura sat quietly, feeling like a prisoner awaiting execution. Finally, a minute and an eternity later, the door slid open silently.  
  
"Sakura-chan."  
  
Sakura turned to face her, and was taken aback by how pale Tomoyo looked, how broken. "  
  
"To-Tomoyo-chan?" She winced at how lost her own voice sounded.  
  
Without a word, Tomoyo-chan came a step closer, then stopped. Lowering herself to her knees, she bowed very low, nearly prostrating herself before Sakura.  
  
"Moshiwake gozaimasen," she said, her voice a tiny thread of sound.  
  
Sakura slipped off the bed.  
  
"Tomoyo-chan, what are you doing? Get up!"  
  
She knelt down next to her friend, trying to pull her up. Tomoyo resisted for a moment, then slowly allowed herself to be drawn into a sitting position, though she kept her head bowed. Sakura stared at her.  
  
"Why are you apologizing?"  
  
"Because I hurt you."  
  
Tomoyo said simply, a chord of raw agony sounding in her otherwise expressionless voice.  
  
"I should be the one apologizing to you."  
  
Tomoyo looked up at her then, confused.  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"Because you love me. Because you've always loved me. And I never figured it out."  
  
It was not a question, and it was not an accusation. It was an admission, colored by bitterness, guilt, and self-loathing. Gentle eyes looked back at her. Misery and loneliness, so long hidden behind a gentle smile, now showing clearly. And something else as well.  
  
Fear.  
  
"Tomoyo-chan...."  
  
It was hard to meet those honest gray eyes, to read the feelings which had been there for so long...all along. She hadn't seen them, hadn't wanted to see them, had pretended, to herself and the whole world that Tomoyo-chan was her best friend, and very funny and dear, but that her feelings were nothing more than very close friendship. She had pretended very hard.  
  
Because when she had finally begun to understand Tomoyo-chan's true feelings, Sakura had already been in love with Syaoran. So she had played along, lulling herself into believing a false reality, a dreamworld, where she could have everything, her best friend, her boyfriend, her family...and no one would have to hurt or suffer...because of her.  
  
She couldn't pretend anymore.  
  
Couldn't lie to herself anymore.  
  
"Why...why didn't you tell me?"  
  
Tomoyo looked startled, as though the question had thrown her off balance.  
  
"I...I didn't want to make you sad. And I was afraid..."  
  
Her eyes were painfully honest.  
  
"I didn't want to lose you, Sakura..."  
  
Sakura's eyes were distant.  
  
"I wish...I wish you'd told me," she said quietly. Wistfully.  
  
"It would have been painful--and pointless.  
  
I knew you would never feel the same way about me."  
  
Resignation.  
  
"Why wouldn't I? Maybe I would have... could have... did... do..."  
  
Shock and a flaring pain. And, for one bright second, a flare of hope, quickly extinguished.  
  
"No."  
  
"How would you know, Tomoyo? They're *my* feelings!"  
  
A sudden touch of anger.  
  
"No."  
  
No anger in response, just resigned hopelessness.  
  
"And it doesn't matter now, anyway."  
  
"What do you mean it doesn't matter!? I--"  
  
"What about Syaoran?"  
  
A sudden horror washed over Sakura's face, as though the anger had let her forget, for a moment, the understanding which had been tormenting her for...how long? Hours, now, or years?  
  
Her hands went to her head, and a moan escaped her lips.  
  
"No..." she said, her body shaking, her voice shaking.  
  
"I can't choose. Don't make me choose..."  
  
Tomoyo started to reach out to her, but stayed her hand. She had given up the right to comfort Sakura, traded it for one night...one night... Touya came into the room but stopped abruptly in the doorway. He took in the situation at a glance and turned an accusing glare on Tomoyo...only to have it falter when he met her anguished gaze. Abruptly, she stood up. She looked back at Sakura one last time, and then turned and walked out of the room. But she paused for a single moment in the doorway, meeting Touya's eyes again as he stood aside to let her pass.  
  
"Onegai...Take care of her..."  
  
Her words were very quiet, and filled with pleading and a kind of desperation. Touya held her eyes for a moment and then nodded once. Sakura looked up.  
  
"To...Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
Tomoyo closed her eyes.  
  
"Tomoyo-chan! Don't leave me! Wait! Please don't leave me!"  
  
And Tomoyo fled.  
"Why are you doing this?" she asked me. "Because I love you," I told her. "If you love me, why are you forcing me to choose?" she said. "I'm trying to protect you! I don't want to see you in an unhappy marriage!" She just looked at me then, her expression sad and sweet and serious. "Kinomoto-sensei would never make me unhappy, Sonomi- chan," she said simply. "It is you that is making me unhappy." Her quiet words hit me like a physical blow. I can't even quite remember what I said to her then, but I do know that it ended with me slamming out of the room, both of us in tears. When the doorbell rang, Syaoran was already in his coat, with his hands on the door handle. He had waited by the phone, waited for the ring that never came.  
  
Twice he had called Tomoyo's house and twice he had tried to call Sakura at her brother's. But when Yukito-san had picked up the phone an unaccountable wave of shame filed him and he had hung up.  
  
It's been years, he thought, and I still can't look Yukito in the eyes. Much less Sakura's brother. It was utterly ridiculous, he knew, but there was too much in between them for him to be entirely blasé.  
  
He had kicked himself mentally and grabbed his jacket, ready to face down Touya if he had to. Something was wrong and Sakura needed him.  
  
His hand had opened the door before his brain had had time to process the ring of the doorbell. He smiled broadly, expecting to see his fiancée standing there, face adorably flushed, and full of some story to tell him. Instead he pulled back as he found himself staring down into a gray and empty face that had once been Tomoyo's.  
  
She looked up, her eyes pleading with him, her voice soft and polite, asking for a moment of his time. He backed into his apartment, gesturing her in and pulling off his coat all at the same time. He turned away from the door, and swallowed hard. Whatever had happened, it had been bad.  
  
He'd never seen Tomoyo look so hopeless, so.alone.  
  
Tomoyo had closed the door behind her, but she stood in front of it, hands clasped, gaze on the floor, as if she feared to enter any further. Syaoran stopped where he stood, an offer of tea on his lips. He stepped towards Tomoyo, but she shrank from his touch.  
  
"I.I'm sorry." She began in a lifeless voice.  
  
"I've done something, something awful to you.and to Sakura."  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes so full of misery that he found himself reaching out to her again, before he could answer.  
  
She shook her head and moved away slightly, her arms now wrapped tightly around herself.  
  
"Tomoyo?" he asked, his voice as gentle as possible.  
  
The tears dropped from her eyes, but she made no move to wipe them away. When she spoke her voice was strangely steady.  
  
"Please, Li-kun, go to Sakura right now. She needs you." "Why?" He knew it wasn't what he *should* have said, but he wanted to know.  
  
Tomoyo jerked away as if he had slapped her. "Because." her eyes fell to the ground once more and her hands moved upwards to cover her mouth.  
  
Syaoran's mind reeled. She didn't have to say it. He knew. In a single moment the few pieces he had made a whole puzzle. He began to shake, not out of rage, but out of pity and nameless emotions he couldn't control. Sakura had spent the night at Tomoyo's, and she had run away in the morning, leaving no note. Gods.  
  
His fist clenched in an effort to control himself. He found his throat thick with things that needed to be said.  
  
"Tomoyo, please come in and tell me."  
  
He forced the words to be quiet, reassuring, when all he wanted to do was grab the girl and shake her out of this horrible torpor. Tomoyo shook her head.  
  
"Li-kun, I have to leave. After the wedding, I'll leave. You." she paused and looked him in the eyes, the tears gone, replaced by a terrible intensity.  
  
"You have to love her. You have to love her enough for both of us."  
  
Syaoran nodded. He could do that. Part of him now wanted to fly to Sakura, leave Tomoyo here and come back to clear this up later. But he shut that part away and forced himself to deal with the present crisis.  
  
Clearing his throat, Syaoran said,  
  
"You don't have to leave, Tomoyo."  
  
He held up a hand as she began to interrupt.  
  
"You don't think I understand, but I do."  
  
He took a single step towards the girl, one hand outstretched to take hers. When she didn't flinch or move away, he stepped closer.  
  
"I've always known you loved her. Just because you.this hasn't really changed anything." He touched her hand gently, wrapping his own around it, and stepping closer. Tomoyo looked up at him, and, finding his eyes kind, she shuddered.  
  
"It's changed everything." She looked away.  
  
"The best thing I can do for the two of you is leave."  
  
"What about the best thing for you?" Syaoran asked.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"It's the only thing I can do for myself. Can't you see that?" Her voice shook with uncertainty.  
  
"No. I can't. It's not like you to run away."  
  
"I'm not running away!"  
  
Tomoyo yanked her hand out of his and turned away from him.  
  
"I'm leaving because if I'm here, she'll never be happy again! Don't you understand? She doubts everything. She thinks it could have been, might have been.do you want to marry her if she spends the rest of her life wondering?"  
  
Syaoran took a deep breath before speaking.  
  
"I want to marry her. Any way she'll have me. I love her that much."  
  
He came up behind Tomoyo and turned her around to face him.  
  
"How dare you love her any less than I do!"  
  
His voice was firm, sincere, and her eyes widened. "But."  
  
she began and he stopped her.  
  
"Tomoyo. If you need time after the wedding, I understand that. If it were the other way around, I would need time. And Sakura understands that too. Maybe better now that you.you've been honest with her. But you have to come back, do you understand? We need you - she needs you. You can't just leave us."  
  
He put his hands on her shoulders and looked down into tormented eyes.  
  
"Tomoyo, we both care about you."  
  
And he held her as she stiffened in his arms, then tried to pull away. But he tightened his grip and would not let go. Tomoyo, her face flushed with effort, stared back at him in a whirl of emotions. "I will not let you leave."  
  
Syaoran gripped her wrists until she stopped struggling, then let go and reached for his jacket.  
  
"I have to see her now. Will you give me your word?" Tomoyo nodded.  
  
"I won't run away."  
  
She stepped out of the door that he held open, then turning, put one hand on his arm.  
  
"Please, Li-kun, love her enough."  
  
He nodded and closed the door behind him, as they headed down the hall. Tomoyo wandered aimlessly down the street, not seeing the first pink streaks of dawn touching the cherry blossoms on the trees that lined the sidewalk, not hearing the first tentative trills and chirps of the same trees' inhabitants. She had left the limo behind, told the driver to wait; she wanted to go for a little walk.  
  
She'd given her promise not to run away, and she could already feel the pressure of that promise binding her, suffocating her. Li-kun had been so understanding, so unexpectedly kind, somehow she had expected jealousy, anger, but not...that...that gentleness that she'd seen in his eyes.  
  
Of course, I always knew he was an amazing person. I thought he could make her happy, could protect her, he was the only one worthy of my Sa-  
  
She bit off the thought and stared very hard at the trees lining the path, littering it with pink, delicate, blossoms of S--  
  
Tomoyo put her face in her hands and a bitter chuckle escaped her lips, a sound that was alien coming from her throat, even to herself.  
  
Tomoyo, you're no good to anyone like this, no good to yourself, no good to Li-kun, certainly no good to Sa--she forced herself to finish the thought-- Sakura-chan. Li-kun's voice echoed through her head: "You don't think I understand, but I do...How dare you love her any less than I do!...If it were the other way around, I would need time..."  
  
Time!  
  
thought Tomoyo bitterly. All she had left was time. Yet not even enough of that...It would take more than a lifetime for me to stop loving her, Li- kun. You must know that, surely you must know...  
  
But for all that, he was right. She did need time, needed enough to let the wounds turn to scars, enough time so that they would forget her, and think of her as just a childhood friend that they had lost track of...  
  
Enough of this self-pity, she thought, giving herself a mental slap. It's done, it can't be undone, and now I need time to...  
  
She stopped, something about that thought catching and holding some part of her consciousness.  
Time.  
  
A half forgotten memory from childhood surfacing...The images coming back to her, as clearly and sharply as they had when she would re-watch them in her own, private home theatre...  
  
Time!  
  
And one other person, one who had returned, not long ago...the one...the only one...that might be able to help, to end this, to give her, to give all of them a second chance...  
  
TIME!  
  
Startling the birds nesting above her, Tomoyo gave a sudden inarticulate cry, whirled around, and raced back to where she had left the limousine. Behind her, the soft, pink petals continued their unceasing fall.  
  
Eriol was making coffee when he heard a loud knock at the door. Frowning, he moved quickly and quietly through the house, opening the door just as his visitor had raised her hand to knock a third time. When he saw who stood there, he smiled for a moment; then the expression faded into a frown as he took in her almost feverishly bright eyes, her too-pale skin, the way her hands were clutched together as she bit her lip so hard that it looked as though it might start to bleed at any moment.  
  
"Tomoyo...san?"  
  
he said, puzzled and worried.  
  
"Eriol-san,"  
  
she said, startling him both by the use of his first name and the intensity with which she spoke it,  
  
"I need your help."  
  
Eriol's frown grew deeper, but he stood aside and said quietly,  
  
"Won't you come in?"  
  
He led the way into the kitchen, knowing he need not stand on formality with her.  
  
"I hope you don't mind sitting in here," he said apologetically,  
  
"I'm in the middle of making breakfast, and I don't want to wake Kaho, so..."  
  
He trailed off as she just stared at him with that same, quiet intensity, almost...hungrily...and he realized that she hadn't heard a word he'd said.  
  
Tomoyo," he said sharply. She blinked and looked at him. He held out a cup of coffee.  
  
"Drink this," he said in a clear, commanding tone, one that he'd perfected only after centuries of experience.  
  
Obediently, Tomoyo brought the cup to her lips, starting at the not-quite scalding temperature and grimacing at the bitter taste. He knew she preferred it with cream and sugar, which was why he had given it to her hot and black. She'd clearly had a shock, and before he would let her speak to him, he was going to startle her out of that queer, inward focus. He'd had to do the same thing to Yue once...He quickly and firmly shut the door on *that* memory.  
  
After a few sips of the black liquid, Tomoyo began,  
  
"Eriol-"  
  
"Wait."  
  
He ladled some rice into a bowl and set it before her, and then did the same for himself. She looked at the food with an expression of profound distaste. Something must be really wrong; for Tomoyo would never do something so rude, even in her own home, let alone someone else's.  
  
"Please eat some, Tomoyo," he said in a voice like velvet-covered steel.  
  
Her eyes focused on him again, startled. Again obeying that commanding tone, she reached for the bowl and took a few bites. While she was doing that, Eriol poured her a glass of water and sat down across from her.  
  
"Now," he said in a tone that was still firm, yet far gentler.  
  
"Tell me." And she told him.  
  
The story came pouring out of her, not a hurried torrent of words but a steady stream; without shame, without hesitation, she told him everything.  
  
Everything.  
  
And with every word she spoke, a little of the light went out of her eyes, a little of that force that had driven her there seemed to drain away. But when she finished, she leaned forward and clutched at his hands with her own. Her skin was white, but two bright spots of red burned in her cheeks.  
  
"Please," she said, her voice desperate and pleading, yet commanding as well.  
  
"Help me, Eriol-san."  
  
Eriol looked at her. He had already guessed what she wanted him to do.  
  
"No," he said clearly and sharply.  
  
Tomoyo let go of his hands, shocked, and the color fled from her cheeks again. Even her lips were white.  
  
"Why?" she said, anguished.  
  
Eriol stood, his presence matching hers.  
  
"Because," he said,  
  
"If it hadn't happened last night, it would in the future. There would be some moment when you would slip, or Sakura would open her eyes, and realize- "  
  
"Don't!"  
  
"Would you prefer it to be after she's married, then? Perhaps when she has a child or two? Do you think that would make it any easier?"  
  
His voice was strong, but it held no hint of mockery or sarcasm, only anger. Suddenly he grew quieter.  
  
"This...this was inevitable. And even if I could help you, I would not. But the truth is...I can't."  
  
And Tomoyo looked at him with eyes that held not a shred of hope.  
  
"I no longer have enough power to bend time to my will. I cannot turn back time and make it so last night never happened."  
  
And he watched as her last hope died, and she crumbled away into nothing, her eyes becoming empty, black voids. She had no dreams left to fill them with.  
  
"Only someone like Sakura," she winced at the name, can do that. But don't ask her, Tomoyo, for she will not say 'Yes', will not make the choice to go backwards into the ignorance of not knowing that you...love her, no matter how much pain that knowledge has caused. And you would have no right to take that choice away from her, even if you could. Surely you know that?"  
  
Tomoyo looked through him for a long moment.  
  
"Yes," she said, her voice flat and mechanical...and...distant, somehow.  
  
"I know." 


	6. Just Once 6

Just Once  
  
-Part 6-  
Syaoran steeled himself for a moment, then rapped decisively on the door. He wasn't even thinking about what he would say if Touya answered, if he didn't want to let Syaoran in...his only thought was to get to Sakura. The door opened quietly, and Yukito stood in the doorway, framed by the dim room behind him. Syaoran bit his lip for a moment, then opened his mouth. But before he could say anything, Yukito said "Li-kun!" and smiled wonderfully at him, his expression lightening with gladness and what seemed to be relief. "I'm glad you came! We've been trying to reach you, but you must have already left..." He stood aside and ushered Li into the house. "We?" asked Syaoran, unable to hold back the question. "Touya and I," replied Yukito, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. "T-Touya, too?" Syaoran stammered out before he could stop himself, then blushed. He knew how it sounded, but he couldn't help himself. For so long he'd thought of Touya as, well, not an enemy, exactly, but certainly not someone that was friendly to his cause, either. But Yukito just smiled a little, and looked at him with eyes that were startlingly perceptive. "Yes, Touya, too." He stopped. "Please wait in here for a moment while I go and see Sakura," he said politely. Sakura. Li's heart clenched as the reason why he was here spun back to him full force. He sat down to wait, pressing his hands together against his impatience and forcing himself to breathe deeply and regularly. It was all he could do not to follow Yukito, he was so worried about Sakura. Closing his eyes, he focused on his awareness of his surroundings, and when he opened them again, he looked around the room with interest. This was Yukito's house, he knew. Apparently Yukito favored a more traditional style than the Kinomotos, the house was very plain, but the few decorations gave it a feel of antiquity, beauty, and tradition. A cry shattered his concentration. "Leave me alone!" came a yell, almost a scream, from the other room. Syaoran froze with shock for a moment, quite unable to believe that it was Sakura he'd just heard. And in the next moment he was in the back of the house, pulling open the door of the room without a conscious thought. "Sakura!" Sakura appeared to be as shocked by her outburst as her brother and Yukito had been. "I-I'm sorry, I--" Whatever she was going to say next was lost as Syaoran burst into the room. "Sakura!" She just stared at him, her face reflecting happiness and pain at seeing him, the two of them combining to create confusion. Blinking at him through the turmoil, she whispered, broken and uncertain, "Syaoran?" Neither of them noticed as Yukito quietly drew her brother out of the room, leaving the two of them alone. All of her attention was focused on the young man standing before her. "What...what are you doing here?" she asked in a small voice. "I...it's a long story." He hesitated. "Sakura...I've seen Tomoyo." Her next reaction was not quite what he'd expected, somehow. She sat straight up on the bed, her eyes burning, and asked, "Where?" Syaoran blinked. After a second he stammered, "At...at my apartment. She came to see me-" Sakura was out of the bed, reaching for her sweater. "What- " "I need to see her," said Sakura determinedly. "I need to go to her-" Li grabbed her by the shoulders. "Sakura, please, wait!" She stilled within his grasp and glared at him angrily. He faltered...he'd never seen that expression turned against him before. "She...she's not going anywhere," he said "I made her promise that she wouldn't run away." For one burning moment, Sakura locked eyes with him. "Really?" she whispered. "Really," he said, trying to make his voice firm and reassuring. Slowly, Sakura sank back down on the edge of the bed. "Syaoran...I..." She trailed off, her expression troubled. Carefully, Li sat down next to her, and gently took her hand in his own. "Sakura," he said softly. "I...I know what happened...I understand..." She looked at him again, her eyes hard and bright and a little angry. "Do you?" she said sharply. "Do you know that she said that she loved me? And that I realized...I realized..." She turned her face away from him and stared at the wall, her jaw tight. Syaoran felt the world beneath him tremble a little. He'd told Tomoyo that he would take Sakura any way that she would have him, and it was true. But...his stomach did a strange sort flip as he stared at Sakura's back. "Sakura," he said, feeling an odd numbness coming over him, physically and emotionally, "If...if she...if that's...what you want..." Sakura started and turned back to face him, very slowly. Syaoran swallowed. "If you love her so much that..." He stared into her eyes. "I want you to be happy more than anything. If...if it would make you happy..." He swallowed again, as the numb feeling spread out from his center to his fingertips. His voice was distant but clear in his own ears. "I would...I would let you go," he whispered, almost choking on the words. Sakura just stared at him for a long moment, seeing him for the first time since he'd come into the room. Then, with a strange light in her eyes, she leaned forward aggressively and kissed him. For a moment, Syaoran froze. Then, a great warmth flowered in him, filling him and washing away the numbness. A tidal wave of joy and love swept through him, and he wrapped his arms around his beloved, unable to do more than whisper her name over and over again, echoing every heartbeat. Sakura....Sakura...Sakura...Sa...ku...ra... Time held no meaning, but after awhile Sakura pulled back from him and looked at him, the strange light still in her eyes. "But I won't let you go," she said, her voice taut but resonating with love. "I've waited too long for us to be together. I love you too much. She caught his hands in her own. "I'll never let you go!" she whispered. And she pulled his head down to rest against her breast, where he could hear her heartbeat, strong and steady. Syaoran sat up and twined his fingers with Sakura's. "What are we going to do about Tomoyo-chan?" he asked softly. Sakura's expression crumbled in on itself a little as a terrible grief swept through her. But this time she did not break down completely. "I don't know...I'm glad you came, or I don't know what I might have done. Thank you for helping me get my...my balance back." She smiled at him a little. "It's always been that way, hasn't it? You've always supported me when I was unhappy or struggling. It's one of the reasons I love you so much." Li blushed, but Sakura's expression was turning unhappy again. "But I don't know what to do about Tomoyo-chan." She frowned, a sudden wave of anger rising within her. "It's not fair!" she cried. "What's not?" prompted Li softly. She turned her intense expression towards him, but he could see that she was looking backwards over all the years that she had been the Cardcaptor, and perhaps over all the years she had known Tomoyo. Sakura's hands clenched into fists. "For me...for me everything is always supposed to be all right," she said, struggling to make herself understood. "For me...everything probably will be all right, even if I..." She swallowed and sudden tears stung her eyes, but she brushed them away impatiently. Taking a deep breath, she went on, "Even if I were to lose Tomoyo-chan." She squeezed his hand. "As long as you're with me, I'll be all right. But...what about her? Why can't everything be all right for her, too?" She looked at Li with pleading, desperate eyes. "She's been through so much already, Syaoran. I can't bear to cause her any more pain! Surely she doesn't deserve it! She's never been anything but kind and gentle and sweet to anyone! Why is this happening to her, of all people?" Sakura shook her head hard. "It's like the Maze card. No matter which way I turn, which path I try to take, there's no way out. No way to keep from hurting someone." She sighed and leaned against her fiancé. "What am I going to do, Syaoran?"  
  
Syaoran did not answer her immediately. He was quiet for a long time, but Sakura knew that he was thinking about everything she'd said, turning it over in his mind. Finally, he said slowly, "Do you remember how we beat the Maze card?" Sakura looked puzzled but nodded. "Mizuki-sensei beat it. She used the bell to-" "-blast through the wall," Li finished for her. "Breaking through the boundary, forging our own path..." Sakura turned her head on one side, looking at him thoughtfully, but didn't say anything. "I think..." said Syaoran softly, "I don't know if it will work, but I think...I have an idea." Tomoyo jumped and slithered on the slippery limo seat as her purse began to ring. She reached inside and pulled out her sleek little cell phone...then realized that it wasn't the one ringing. Surprised, she reached in again and found it...the bulkier pink phone from her childhood. She had always kept it, as she knew Sakura, Li, and Kero-chan had kept theirs. Only one of them would be calling her on this phone. She stared at it as it continued to ring. It rang for a long time. Finally, her hands trembling, she pressed the "Answer" button. "Hello?" "Tomoyo-chan?" "Sakura." Tomoyo's voice cracked a little. "Tomoyo-chan...please come back. Syaoran's here, and...we want to talk to you. Please..." Tomoyo was silent for a moment, then she heard Syaoran's voice. "Please, Tomoyo. We need to see you." She could picture the two of them, huddling closely, anxiously, together, awaiting her answer. There was a moment of numbness, of distance...of space. Tomoyo saw, heard, felt nothing, was nothing... and then... Sakura's voice came again, cutting through the stillness and silence and shattering her moment of suspended animation. "Please." Sakura-chan had never been able to refuse Tomoyo anything that she'd truly wanted. No matter what, she'd always given in, and never asked for anything in return but Tomoyo's friendship and support. How could Tomoyo fail to give her the only thing she'd ever asked from her?  
  
"I'm coming, Sakura-chan," she whispered; and then pressed the "Off" button. Turning to the driver she said softly, "Please take me back to Tsukishiro-san's house." Then she lay back against the seat, drained and empty, as the car accelerated smoothly. Somehow she'd expected that Touya would be the one to answer the door again, so it was a bit of a shock when the door slid open in response to her knock and Syaoran stood there. He smiled at her warmly, and reached out to her, taking her hand and drawing her inside. "Thank you for coming," he said quietly. He led her into the living room area, its traditional decor offset by a few pieces of modern furniture. Ensconced in a corner of the couch next to a small table was Sakura, holding a glass of what appeared to be milk in her hand. Honey milk, thought Tomoyo. Touya-san always makes it for her when she's sick...or especially upset, I guess... The thought was distant, detached. Sakura looked up at her and smiled. Tomoyo felt something, a tremor in that numbness that enveloped her. "I'm glad you came, Tomoyo-chan," said Sakura, softly but sincerely. Something, a sharp splinter of feeling, needled through her walls of apathy. "Please sit down," continued Sakura, indicating the spot next to her on the couch. "Would you like some tea?" Tomoyo slowly shook her head, thinking how surreal all of this was. Just a short time ago Sakura had been sobbing, overwrought...now she seemed calm. Tomoyo looked at her more closely as Sakura reached out and began to pour her some tea anyway. No, Sakura wasn't quite calm...her hand trembled a little as she lifted the teapot, and there was an indefinable tension, a sort of anticipation about her. But for all that, she no longer seemed unhappy. Syaoran sat down on the other side of Tomoyo, and she turned to look at him. She knew he was responsible for Sakura's regained stability. He had always balanced her...the two of them were...perfect...together. A small shattering within her at the thought, a stone breaking the clear reflection in a small pond, and then it was swallowed up into her apathy. And, in spite of everything, she could still be happy for them, in a distant sort of way. Sakura reached out and took her hand. "Tomoyo-chan, Syaoran and I have been talking," she began. "And..." she paused and blushed. "And...I don't know how to say this, but..." She stopped, took a deep breath, and blurted out, "We want you to come live with us!" Tomoyo blinked. She stared at Sakura...surely she couldn't have just said what Tomoyo thought she'd said? Was she...was she offering what Tomoyo thought she was offering? Tomoyo turned to Syaoran, who was smiling at her. "But-" she began. "It was my idea," said Syaoran simply. Tomoyo's mouth fell open. "But..." she began again. Abruptly she stood up and turned to the two of them. "Sakura-chan, Li-kun...I...why...?" Sakura smiled at her friend's bewilderment. "Because we want to," she said.  
  
Tomoyo shook her head in wonder. How could she sit there and so blithely offer something so enormous? Surely she didn't see, she didn't understand...it made Tomoyo's head hurt just trying to figure out the logistics of such a thing. Sakura wasn't aware of the difficulties, the potential disagreements, all the problems that could come of an arrangement like that. Syaoran could see, a little, thought Tomoyo, but even he was being blind and naive, thinking that it would be enough if they... A horrible thought struck her. "This isn't out of...out of pity?" she said in a small voice. Sakura leapt up from the couch, Syaoran just behind her. "No! Out of love, of course." Tomoyo's eyes were very wide and grey. "Love?" Sakura took a step forward and took Tomoyo's hands in her own. "Yes," she said, her face bright with joy. "Ai shiteru, Tomoyo-chan." Tomoyo couldn't move or speak, could only stare into Sakura's bright, emerald eyes, sparkling with joy, sincerity...and love. "Sakura-chan...loves me?" It was a dream, it couldn't be real. But Sakura's arms were suddenly around her, and they were warm, and she could feel the texture of the fabric beneath her cheek as she leaned her head on Sakura's shoulder. "Sakura-chan...loves me!" Tears stung her eyes, and her apathy cracked wide open, and suddenly she was sobbing, clinging to Sakura for dear life. Syaoran smiled as Tomoyo broke down in Sakura's arms, and stood awkwardly to the side. But before he even had time to feel a pang of jealousy, Sakura had turned her head to him and reached out with one hand, drawing the three of them together in warmth, and joy...and love. -End- ^_^  
  
Author's Note:  
  
Hehehe.. I want feedbacks and some comments about my syntax and grammar etc.  
  
Thank you. ^_~ 


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